i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
His hands were made for my vagina.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
