alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
