my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
