he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
