I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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