I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
