and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
