I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My vagina just clenched in fear
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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