I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
