i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Houston, we have a blender
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
