I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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