Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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