She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize