I met the friendliest cop last night
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
