I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize