i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
