He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
