An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
