got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize