His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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