I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
