and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
