I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
