It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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