His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
