i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
