life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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