I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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