I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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