You made me cry and you don't even care
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
