Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
MIDGETS
????
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
