You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
