my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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