The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
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