I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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