update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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