I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
