If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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