my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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