.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
