I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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