david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
COCAINE IS GR8
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
