the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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