no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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