Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
