Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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