shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
