i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
