I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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