he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
40s are totally the cure
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
