She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
