You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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