This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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