this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
