Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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